Don't Watch, Do

I've had a bit of an epiphany today.  I've been feeling a little dissatisfied and I realized there may be a connection between my feelings and the choices I've been making.  I've been behaving passively about my life.  I watch a lot of TV shows, flip through Facebook and Pinterest, and play phone games for hours.  It occurred to me that I'm dissatisfied because I'm engaged in more "watching" activities than "doing" activities.

It's easier to do passive activities.  It's the lazy escape from the sometimes difficult puzzle of life.  Sometimes I know exactly what I want to do, and I do it.  Other times I know exactly what I want to do, but because that involves exerting myself, I take the easy route and do a passive activity instead.  This leaves me with the feeling of defeat and a temporary escape from that reality.  Sooner or later I end up coming back around and realizing that a number of hours have passed and I've accomplished nothing.

Then there are the times when I have no idea what I want to do.  I do a passive activity and temporarily forget that I lack purpose, but the feeling of helplessness stays with me.  I wish I had the courage to set aside these passive activities and I wish I had the drive to force myself to focus.  Maybe I give up to easily.  Maybe if I tried I could push through the mental block and figure out my next move.

I realize that people aren't born with a fixed set of characteristics that can never change.  I know people learn, grow and mature over time.  With that knowledge, I should attempt to retrain myself to persevere and not always take the easy way out when I have trouble.

I know there's nothing wrong with shows and games.  At least there's nothing obviously wrong with them.  I just hate the feeling of waste and rot.   I feel like everything I don't want to deal with gets put on hold and I am just stuck in a time capsule.  It's not a time capsule though, time keeps marching on.

I think one of my biggest fears is that if I put aside all these distractions, I'll discover I don't have anything within to offer myself.  I can accept that others won't always like me or approve of my choices.  I desperately need my own approval.  I couldn't be happy without it.

Here is the real problem.  I'm doing all these things to avoid facing this problem, and yet I still am experiencing this problem.  Just because I pretend it isn't there doesn't mean I'm not still feeling it.  I will have to deal with it eventually, if I want to feel satisfied with my life at the end.