The Psych Ward

I wasn't expecting anyone to pick me up at the airport and I wasn't disappointed.  There was no one there to pick me up. I took a cab to St. Ann's Medical Plaza and inquired at the front desk.

"There's no one here by that name." The clerk informed me.  I called Carly.  She sounded tired when she answered, "Yes, we've moved, I'm sorry I forgot to call you.  We're at the psych hospital now.  I'll text you the address."

I fought down feelings of frustration, called a cab and drove to the psych hospital.  Carly was in the lobby when I got there.  I can't say she looked happy to see me, but she did seem relieved, possibly resigned.  Neither of us wanted me to be there.

"They kept him overnight for observation, but couldn't find any real damage, thankfully. Sometimes people develop other conditions like fluid build up on the brain and breathing problems.  The doctor said to keep an eye on him though because people can actually die from this several days after it happens.  I think he'll be fine."

I hugged her.  "I'm glad it's not worse.  How's the kiddo holding up?"

"He doesn't know what happened.  All he knows is daddy fell in the guest room and hurt his neck.  I sent him to spend the weekend with my sister and her kids.  He loves hanging out with his cousins.  It was weird though because he asked me to call him and tell him how daddy is.  He's worried."

"Kids are smart.  It's hard to keep them in the dark."

"It is.  Oh it is."

We followed the orderly to Mark's room and waited while she looked at his charts.   "The doctor says he can have visitors but you might have to write notes.  He can't talk right now.  His throat is pretty swollen."

Mark looked up when we walked into his room.  He had the deer in the headlight look.  I guess he'd already been communicating through writing because he grabbed a tablet from his nightstand and wrote down, "Why is she here?"

I'm used to his insults so I said nothing.  I hardly felt anything either.

Carly put her hands on her hips.  "I don't know.  Why do you think she's here?"  She stormed out of the room and said, "you two need to fix this.  I don't care how you fix it.  Just fix it.  I'll be in the cafeteria."

I really didn't know what to say as we both just stared at each other.  I hadn't spoken to him about anything remotely significant in forever.  I questioned whether we were even capable of having a conversation.

Nevertheless I crossed the small room and sat in the arm chair opposite his cot.   I didn't say anything I just waited.  Maybe there was a thick layer of ice dissecting the room because he didn't say anything either.  His eyes darted back and forth as if he was trying to decide if he should speak to me or go after her.  He was in no position to be doing either of those things.

He took the paper and wrote, "Why are you here?"

"I'm here because I warned her that you might try something like this.  Two weeks ago, when I got the email."

"That wasn't from me."

"So you keep saying, yet here we are.  Are you going to keep lying to me or are you going to tell me what this is all about?"

"I'm not lying to you.  I didn't send you that email."

I put up my hands.  "Do you want me to stay or go?"

"Go."  He wrote.  "I never asked you to come here."

"Fine."  I trudged out and met Carly coming back.  "This was a mistake." I said to her.  "He won't talk to me."

"This is ridiculous."  She told me to wait outside the room.  So I waited.  It was quiet at first but then it was harder not to eavesdrop.  He was saying nothing of course, but she was almost yelling.

"You have a problem, Mark.  You tried to kill yourself.  Don't tell me you don't have a problem!  You won't talk to me. You play games with your psychiatrist.  I have had it!  Unbury whatever it is that you're hiding and deal with it. "

There was a pause.

"You talk to her or I file papers.   That's the bottom line.  No more excuses!  I can't live like this.  Your son can't live like this.  Figure it or so help me..."

She stormed out with tears trickling down the the sides of her face.  At this point, I'll admit, I really didn't want to go back in there.  I was as mad at him as she, possibly, although that might be a presumptuous statement given my lack of any role in his life.   I was mad at him, on her behalf.  Also, on my behalf.  I was also mad at him for being a pain in the ass.

I'm not sure when I went into his room, but I managed it and found myself sitting across from him again.  He was sitting there looking pathetic. I was thinking it.  He was the most pathetic he'd ever looked to me, and that was pretty bad.  It would have to be bad for me to notice it.

I thought he was going to keep up the games but he spoke, in a hoarse whisper.  I tried to stop him but he waved me off.

"My family never liked you.  They made fun of you at home.  After a while, I was making fun of you, but that was to save face.  It hurt to do it.  I kept trying to find someone to be with who they would approve of.  I thought I'd found somebody but she didn't feel anything for me.  Then I met Carly.  I just lost it.  I proposed to her while my parents were out of town.  We got married that weekend.  We were married when they got home and found out.  It felt so good, showing them up.  I thought everything would be better then.  I thought it was love.  It was really revenge.  The anger died away over time and I found I had nothing left.z"

He drank some water.  "Maybe you should just write this out."  I suggested.

 He shook his head.  "No.  Someone might read it."  I leaned forward and turned his head so I could see the red welt around his neck.  I winced.  "That looks painful."

"You have no idea.  It was agony.  Still, I'd take that over the mental pain I've endured."

"What do you mean?"

"I thought everything would be better but it wasn't.  My family doesn't like Carly.  Too late I realized my parents will never approve of anyone, or anything that I choose.  I should have chosen for myself sooner."

"You're starting to sound like the man who wrote the letter."

he laughed.  "I kept looking for it to get better.  We had a kid.  I thought that would fix everything.  It didn't.  I just felt like I was trapped in a life I'd never planned for myself."

"So you wrote me a suicide note.  Why is that such a hard thing to admit?"

"No, I didn't write that note.  How many times do I have to repeat myself."  He was getting angry now. "I was going to kill myself and never tell anyone.  If I'd told you I'd just be passing off my pain to you.  You'd have suffered under it for the rest of your life.  I know I'm not very nice to you, but I am not that cruel."

"Someone wrote that letter.  It couldn't have been coincidence that I received it just two weeks before you tried to kill yourself."

"Can I read it?"

I rummaged around in my suitcase and brought it up on my laptop.  He studied the letter and I studied his face for a lie.

"It sounds like our miserable story.  I just didn't write it."  He laid down.  "It is weird.  I wonder where it came from."

"It either came from you, or you told someone how you were feeling and they sent it.  I just can't figure out why anyone would want to send a note like that."

"I don't know."  he whispered more to himself than to me.  He turned his head, "You can fly off to wherever you've been living.  Now you've found me out I won't be able to kill myself.   I'll have to stay alive to preserve your sanity."

"You promise never to try again?"

"I do."  he smiled at some private joke.  "Pinky swear."

After our baby finger hug I stayed on while he slept.  Carly came back and I traded places with her.  I went back to my hotel and passed out.  Long flight, long night.