A few Odd Dreams and Other Things

 

Immature Parents. I open a plastic bag in the woods and find a severed head. I tell my dad to call 911, because I’ve found a severed head. Instead of calling, he insists on pawing at the bag, “I wanna see, let me see.” I get very frustrated and yell at him that now his dna is all over the bag and the cops will think he is the one who killed her. I look in the bag again and discover there is no head, just a bunch of very beautiful bathroom tiles. Whew.

Inconsiderate Parents. moms driving and I’m sitting on tailgate. She uses truck to pick up strings of groceries Mario cart style. Then she guns it and I fall off tail gate onto nose. I am displeased and promise pay back. She laughs and says “I hope so.”

Unusual Animal Behavior. I had a five gallon bucket sized glass of lemon water I was drinking. Then my cat climbed in and submerged his entire body in it and I was so mad because he ruined my drink.

Overheard:
“My nose ring is like, all stuck up my nose!”

Quote: “In a clutch or a corner, I tend to make a weapon out of what is near at hand. That can be anything from a crowbar to a cat, though if I had a choice, I would prefer an angry cat, which I have found to be more effective than a crowbar.” -Odd Hours

Problems Solved While Sleeping

How to hold up your pants with a single strand of hair

How to belabor spelling a word that sounds like naked but doesn’t mean naked

How to hide A laptop on a shopping cart so criminals can’t see it

How to drop almost your entire life on the road and pick it up only to discover you own a lot of trash

How to keep zombies from riding an elevator to your room

How to predict a mass shooting

Old lady with walker to my husband: I could run over your toe so easily. I’m a student driver.

Limerick Time

There once was a joke so clever

It stood up and named itself Trevor

Adopted a cat;

had kids and grew fat

and then laughed at its clever endeavor. - Samantha Jayne Frost

Quote: "It is wonderful how much time good people spend fighting the devil. If they would only expend the same amount of energy loving their fellow men, the devil would die in his own tracks of ennui."

-Helen Keller

Man to me on the phone: "Yeah, hi! i'm trrrying to bothuh you. is thees a beezness numbuh?"

Me: "No." Click.

My Father the Animagus. Last night I discovered my father is an animagus. He needed to cross a river to get to autozone and couldn't take the car because the river was full of boulders. I waded across. He elected to swim across in the shape of a foot long water worm. Like a long earth worm except with whiskers all around the face and every now and then he'd pop out of the water like an otter and look at me to make sure i was keeping up.

Quote: 'Content' is a word that has never sat well with me. Like 'maturity'. They are two words I've never liked. I think they imply some sort of decay. A settling.

-Elvis Costello

Found in a forum:

"Just wanna say the guy that cuts hair on base just cut my son. He's going on two. He did a great job. We will be going to see him again."

I'll be avoiding this barber. I don't want him to cut any of my children.

Poem: At night I fall head first into a dream, but somehow I'm not scared and never scream, and though I fall and die upon the ground, I open up my eyes and look around. - Samantha Jayne Frost

Poem: Falling stars make wishes, too. / Eschew the evil blanket blue! / Make land among the few who do, / and stand upon a startled shrew. -Samantha Jayne Frost

Baby Daddy. Last night I dreamed that my dad weighed 20 lbs. He fell down a mine shaft and i pulled him out and packed him out in my arms like a baby. I've been doing day care way too long. Oh! And my grown-up friend Bryan was drinking out of sippy cup during church.

Electronic Offspring. I had a funny dream last night. My husband and I had a baby. I think it was a boy. Not sure. But the last thing I remembered was having mild cramps and the next thing I'm waking up to hearing this baby crying (in the dream). So then I was like, "Honey, aren't you going to pick him up?" So he did and he was exclaiming, "I bet this kid's batteries will last for hours!!!!" Then he went into the other room and I weakly called after him, "But... he's probably crying because he's hungry."

Quote: There are two types of people - those who come into a room and say, "Well, here I am!" and those who come in and say, "Ah, there you are." - Frederick L. Collins

Quote: We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. - Joseph Campbell

Spaghetti-Oh! So last night I had this dream that I found a newborn baby laying in a pile of spaghetti.

Birthing in Public. Last night I dreamed my mom was having a fifth baby. I was supposed to help her with the delivery. So I waited, she pushed, and sure enough! The baby slides right out into my hands. It was very life-like. I was surprised it didn't look like Olaf, a puppy or some other weird thing. I held it carefully against my shoulder.

The next moment I see that the bed my mother is laying on is in the middle of a warehouse. People are milling around. My mom wildly flaps her naked legs in the air at people who are walking by. Then she says fervently, "I just can't believe how little this bothers me! I just don't even care!"