Trouble in the Kitchen

The Kitchen.

What a place of memories. From the time we are small we love to watch and smell and taste.

More than anything, we want to help. Sometimes we get very quiet. Never a good sign.

It dawns on you. Your two-year-old is missing. Panic. Fear. How long has he been gone? Where is he? You search the house. You find him.

He is in the pantry covered from head to toe in pastry flour.

The little fellow is baking, a look of wonder on his face mixed with a sliver of guilt when he looks at you, but not very much. He's not sorry. Tasting. Tossing. Bathing in the soft white powder. Nothing tops this.

The Magic.

From our first steps onward, we are learning about the wonderful, magical world around us. We experiment with everything from finger foods to baking macaroons. We aren't born professionals. We are born professional experimenters. Cooking is the art of experimentation. Trying a new recipe to see if it tastes good. Adding just a little more parsley or basil. Trying everything.

For some of us, cooking means trying ramen in the microwave for the first time. Discovering. Gasp. Next time we will add water.

Sometimes our experiments don't go as planned. Burned cookies. Dense bread. Maybe something worse happens. Something dangerous!

A toast to the green cooks, the experimenters, and the dump-cooks: Here's to your survival.

Tips for Surviving the Mad Scientist Within

1. When a pie recipe calls for CLOVES, it's NOT talking about garlic.

2. ALWAYS Double-check measurements.

3. Before melting butter in the microwave, REMOVE the foil wrapper.

4. Learn to spell DESSERT. HINT: It's not a dry PLACE that needs to be moistened with coconut oil.

5.Cardboard never goes in the oven. DO remove the cardboard that comes beneath the boxed frozen pizza BEFORE putting it in the oven.

6.DO NOT use a blow dryer to remove excess powdered sugar from the top of a cake.

7. Frozen meals don't go in the microwave for the same amount of time as they go in the oven.

8. Can You Even Math?

9. DO NOT wash your cast iron pans in the dishwasher.

10. A clove of garlic is NOT the same thing as a BULB of garlic.

11. MAYBE don't use a metal folding chair to cook eggs over a campfire if you're short on pans.

12. DO NOT cut hot peppers and then use the bathroom without FIRST washing your hands.

13. DO NOT bread raw chicken and then save the leftover breading to use next time.

14. PASTA is meant to be cooked in WATER, not put in a dry pot on the stove.

15. DO NOT try breading meatballs with stale graham cracker crumbs.

16. REMEMBER to add water to the bowl whenever you microwave ramen!

17. DO NOT "Set" your empty microwave for fifteen minutes and walk away. Your microwave is NOT a timer.

18. If the burgers aren't cooking well, don't add lighter fluid.

19. It's Dangerous to Drink and Cook

20. Garlic doesn't make bread rise.

21. In a pinch, Triscuits work for cereal.

22. To put out an oven fire, close the door.