In celebration of the upcoming holidays I’ve pulled out some old journals and found some amusing bits to embellish and post for entertainment value:
🍿In a 2003 interview with the famous enlightened one, he said “John the Baptist is my best friend.” We would all like to know how he came back from being beheaded.
🍿During his early years, he had an uncanny connection with all things metaphysical. He once told us that he wanted to pray to the laundry room. We suspect that a holy being stayed with us that night. Perhaps a cleansing presence. Why else wouldn’t he take the guest bedroom?
🍿 He has, from a young age, been able to see through people. Once he showed great concern for a visiting singer’s dental condition. He declared loudly, “Bob Henderson has wisdom teeth!” This caught everyone off guard because Bob is well into his thirties.
🍿When you were little, brother, you asked me an important question. “What favorite pen do you want to worship when you grow up?” Your discerning eye did quite predict my future idolatry.
🍿Jen, you didn’t know this, but when my brother was little he attempted to thwart you. He asked me “Who do you want to marry?” I said, “I don’t know.” He replied, “Maybe you want to marry Shem!” ( I kid you not.) Then when I didn’t respond affirmatively, he added “Maybe you want to marry Shem, Ham, Jacob and their wives!” I did answer that question with confidence.
🍿Brother, when you were three you saw through the veil that disguises the true nature of those around us. You told us that an old man we knew in Arizona “is actually an olive.” Since that day, I was also able to see past his mask. He was indeed an olive, a green olive.
🍿Brother, when you were three you declared the Bible incomplete. Your supreme wisdom divined that one book is missing. It is called “the Book of David the Thin Man.”
🍿Brother, are you still thankful for “good parrots?” 🦜Have the parrots morphed into parents yet?
🍿Brother, a man who has access to scripture outside of what is known to the rest of us, declared “The Bible says that yogurt is good for you.” I’ve been eating yogurt ever since. What a wise man.
🍿Brother, I hope you’ve recovered from your childhood illness. It did seem sometimes that you were afflicted with some kind of mental malady. Once you said, “I am persecuting Jesus’ plate.”
🍿Brother, (to continue documenting your evil ways): On September 8, 2002 you asked dad, “Do you mind killing Sam?” Do you still wish to have me assassinated? Your precise words were, “I want to roll you into dough.” I’m not sure how I feel about that. Time is pretty good at making people into dough boys and girls. Maybe just let it happen naturally.
🍿One fine September afternoon Brother clued us in. “Look at all the birdies falling!” We looked outside. “There’s lots of geese falling!” Mom wasn’t able to see through the veil that separates us muggles from the world of magic. She said, “Brother, those are just leaves.” It sucks being a muggle.
🍿In honor of thanksgiving past, we take a moment to reflect. Brother knows how to be thankful. “Dear Jesus, thank you for the old spotty banana, Amen.” After conclusion, Brother disdainfully eyes the banana and begins to eat it.
🍿We were taking a road trip and Brother pushed up the visor letting the afternoon sun shine in the windshield. Dad told Brother to leave it down because “the sun is too bright.” Thankfully, Brother was able to open father’s eyes to his superior wisdom. “I want the light to shine into my heart.”
🍿Another revelation from the enlightened one. Brother has cleared it up for us. On the third day of creation God, in fact, invented peanut butter.
🍿Brother seems to have fallen in with humanity. Back in 2002 he confided in me. “I am your guardian angel sent to watch over you.” I haven’t seen Brother in a year, and last time I saw him he was very distracted on the computer. Brother I hope you haven’t become a fallen angel.
🍿The Italians are no longer the most recent inventors of all things pasta. While attempting to bargain his way out of eating chick peas, Brother suggested dad combine them into his newly invented carbohydrate: Garbanoodles. If it shows up in red, just add it to your dictionary.
🍿On March 6, 2001, the truth finally came out. Brother stated, in a moment of clarity, “I’m very wicked.”
🍿Brother was one-and-a-half years old when he helped a neighbor for the first time. We were sitting outside and the neighbor, sadly, had a booger and he didn’t know it. Brother thoughtfully recommended: “Sean, pick your nose!” The neighbor said, “Why don’t you?” Brother yelled, “Sean! Pick Your Nose!”
🍿Brother continues to enlighten the muggles of our world, but even as a child his clarity of sight showed wisdom beyond his - well, um, his year. He revealed that the “garbage truck” is actually a large box made for the purpose of transporting alligators.
🍿Brother, as we know, sees things mere mortals cannot see. Once, during childhood, an old family friend knocked on the door. Brother poked his head out from behind dad, mouth fell open, and he exclaimed “Hello, Mosquito!” Later, as we sat around his feet, he taught us about the true nature of the world. He held up a blade of, what looked like, grass and said loudly, and clearly, “This is underwear!”
🍿Brother is a diviner of gender. This will be a relief to some confused folks. In a conversation with uncle Steve he asked, “Are you a man?” Steve said, “Yes, I am a man.” Brother said, “I am a man too, we’re all mans.” My sister-from-another-mister interrupted and said, “I am not a man.” Brother looked kindly into her eyes with compassion and said, “Yes, you are.”
🍿Brother, like the creator himself, is in touch with nature and knows so much more about the animals than any of us muggles. While hiking, some of us found some moose hair along the side of the trail. Brother declared, “That moose got a hair cut from his daddy!”
🍿Brother has always understood the sentient nature of motor vehicles. Long before Transformers and Herbie the Love Bug hit the scene and made the concept popular among muggles, Brother was talking to them. Once a car pulled into our driveway and we heard the tires crunch through the loose gravel. Brother heard something entirely different and said, “Oh! ‘Scused!”
🍿Brother, in addition to his many aforementioned talents, can see glimpses of the divine in those around him. Once, my father came home from work and Brother shouted “Jesus!” and ran to give him a hug.
🍿You think you know someone. I thought I knew my mother. It’s hard not to be shaken when you find out the truth about them, especially when that revelation erupts spontaneously from the mouths of babes. Brother was prattling on one day and told me that he’d been to the doctor about a burn. The doctor removed poison from it with tweezers. “That was back when my mother was a Preganist.”
🍿We were driving along one day, just trying to make it safely to the grocery store. A large jack rabbit bounded in front of our vehicle, had a little accident, and flew off to one side. Brother, ever a man of compassion, helped us understand what was happening. “That rabbit is trying to get into our car!”
🍿Just so Brother won’t feel totally singled out, here is a small clip from my own life as a youngster. “I slaughtered lemons today. A whole box full. Each came to a painful and violent death.”
