Living the Shameless Life

Shame is a Choice.

I was raised by parents who strictly refuse to consume alcohol of any kind. When I reached the legal age for drinking I went through my “wild phase” and experimented with various beverages. Drinking alcohol is a choice. I made the choice to partake. Consequently, I found myself at a fork in the road. Shame, or Shamelessness.

Shame is a choice. Did I choose to feel shame for my drinking? If I had chosen shame, another series of choices would have followed. Secrecy. Guilt. I might as well pack that one on, since I’ve already chosen shame. Fear. Yes, I would absolutely fear being discovered. Pack on a few years of warning friends not to take pictures for Facebook of me with a glass of wine. Pack on years of pretending I was someone who I am not. Shame is a choice with consequences. Shame, like a bodybuilder slowly climbing onto your back and driving you into the floor.

No need to despair. There is a second option. One can choose shame or one can choose to live shamelessly. This is my choice. I’m not saying that it doesn’t have drawbacks. There is no perfect choice. I am no perfect person. Every decision made has consequences of various flavors.

I refuse to lie beneath a weighted blanket.

The Shameless Life.

The shameless life begins when the choice is made to live transparently. Be the person you are. Be a naked soul. Look out on the world through the unclouded lenses of your wide-open eyes. The eyes you were born with. Be original. Be raw. Be as honest as the infant you once were who cried out for milk with your first breath. You did not hide your need. You were shameless in your demands.

Every person has needs. You have needs of the soul and body. I have needs. Often, as we grow up, we learn to hide what we need from ourselves and others. We become convinced that we need less, other or nothing. We are plagued with guilt and fear because we fail to consistently conform to the expectations of those around us as we waffle back and forth between fitting in and being ourselves. It’s a rough life - trying to be a photocopy. We were born to be originals. Why is it so hard to just drop the act and be naked to the world?

After I started drinking I felt guilt and shame because I hadn’t told my parents. I hadn’t told my best friend. I knew they would not approve. I didn’t have to tell them to know that. My secret life gave me anxiety. I worried they would find out from someone else. I didn’t want to shock them. I’m not a streaker. I don’t seek the spotlight. Living a transparent life is a struggle for me sometimes. This isn’t some magical property I’ve bathed in. Being honest about myself with myself and the world is a daily decision. A choice. Somedays I choose shame but more and more I find myself choosing to live the shameless life.

Making the Choice.

I finally told my mom.

I totally get why so many people don’t choose to open themselves up like this. It’s hard to do. I felt fear. I didn’t know how my mom would react so I imagined the worst case scenario. Getting disowned. I’ve always had a close bond with my parents so this would be the worst thing that could happen to me. I can’t help but wonder what your worst case scenario would be? If you shared your darkest secret with your closest loved one, what do you fear the most? It’s not easy to break the ice and come clean.

My mom didn’t react at all the way I expected. She dropped her voice to a conspiratorial whisper and tsk’d in moderate displeasure. That was it. I’d been told. I was a naughty girl. I’d done something mommy didn’t approve of. Notably, this wasn’t anything I didn’t already know before our conversation. I did learn something though. I learned that my mother’s love for me survived the test of nonconformity. No more shame, and no loss.

Is it loss that you fear? We all fear it. Some of us have good reason to fear it. Some of us have experienced it. What was your childhood like? If you did not conform, how were you treated? What did you lose? Did this pattern follow you into adulthood? Do you fear that honesty will cost you?

I had fears, but deep down, I had a pretty good idea how my mother would react. Deep down, you do too. You know your family. The past is often a good indicator of the future. Human intuition. Maybe you couldn’t do what I did because maybe your mother would disown you. I don’t know what your associates are like. Maybe it’s too scary to be honest with the people you love because they can’t handle the truth. I don’t judge you for making the choices that work best for you. I get it. Each person has a unique scenario. You are running your own formula.

The Shame in Others.

It’s not easy living shamelessly when others are ashamed. This isn’t your fault though. Know this. That shame belongs to them, it is not your burden to bear. There is no shame in truth if that truth is who you are.

Of course I’m not suggesting that every truth is shameless. We can choose shame at any time. I feel it would be quite difficult for me to confess to murder and not feel shame. It would radiate from those around me, but I wouldn’t notice it. Why? I’d be too busy cowering beneath a blanket of self-loathing. Transparency isn’t everything. To live a shameless life we must square with those around us, which is a hard enough thing to do. On top of that and even more importantly, we must face the person in the mirror. I couldn’t be a murderer and love myself. What a fix. To be naked and bare before the glass and feel pure disgust and loathing for oneself. There is no escaping shame we levy on ourselves.

Being exactly who I am and who I love to be, this is my shameless life. The key is knowing who you want to be. Who are you really? Be no more or less.

Be who you really are. There is beauty in that. There is no accomplishment in being sheep among sheep, if you are not a sheep. There is only fear of discovery, and, in many cases, fear is warranted because the fraud is less than convincing.

Try as much as you like to talk the shop talk and be a mechanic with mechanics, but if you truly hate getting dirty and prefer wearing business suits and mingling with executives, it will show. People will know.

Letting Go of Fear.

So, you’re afraid? What will people think, say, do?

I’m going to level with you. Many people, including myself, live with chronic tunnel vision. We aren’t bad people, we just don’t care as much as you might think. While you’re worrying about that “shameful” secret you’re hiding, we are caught up in our own lives, struggles and tragedies. We are self-serving pleasure seekers. We all are, whether we own to it or not. That is a basic human need.

When you finally let go of the shame and go transparent, most of us won’t even notice. If we do, it won’t be because we care. That is the sad truth of it. We are selfish, self-centered, egocentric creatures. Your breach from protocol will serve as fleeting entertainment; the fodder of idle gossip. The boredom of sheep will be assuaged by your choice to stand out and be original.

So take comfort in this tragedy. Don’t let fear stand between you and freedom.

I know there will be exceptions. There will be a few of us who will get very upset when you begin living your transparent life. Shame is contagious so be on your guard. It will be hard not to catch it. Recognize it for what it is. It is just another choice. Another byproduct of fear.

Choose to live a shameless life. Choose to face your fears and overcome them. It isn’t your fault if others don’t follow suit. It might not be our time yet. Sometimes we feel shame because we fear being judged by association, not because we hate you. We fear change. We fear loss. We are all human and we fear the same things that you do. We don’t all have the guts to lay it on the line. Yet.

Maybe when we see the truth of your courage, we will find a little more of it inside ourselves.

Samantha Jayne Frost

All Rights Reserved.

Note: This is the imperfect ambling of my mind from the hour of midnight to four in the morning. The humanity of my mind bleeding onto the screen. Judge not.